


8 + 48

by warukunai



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Shingeki no Kyojin Fusion, Childhood Memories, Drug Use, Eren Is a Little Shit, Gag, Mikasa Ackerman & Levi Are Related, Multi, Other, POV Eren Yeager, Pervert Erwin Smith, Shrek is Love Shrek is Life, Siblings, punkish!Levi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2018-04-09 11:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4347416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warukunai/pseuds/warukunai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Q. Which 8 year old loves porn and hot girls?<br/>A. Eren Jaeger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My name is Eren and I love porn

**Author's Note:**

> HEYYYY   
> this is my first fanfic! I honestly don't even know what I wrote LOLOLOLOL but this is pretty much my elementary school life   
> ❤️

Cunt. 

Did you know that word when you were eight? Well, I knew it when I was six. It's all thanks to my older brother Levi, a 16 year old who had a mysterious way of getting porn mags without an ID. I love him with all my heart, no homo. Every week I would have 'perverted class' with him, and he would teach me some very sexy things. Last week he taught me about this sexy shit called a corset piercing. I want my girlfriend to have a corset piercing. 

Well, even though my knowledge is very sophisticated, I'm physically only an eight year old noob. My parents always tell me to 'enjoy my innocence'. Man they don't know shit!

~

Today was just another typical day at school. Clouds drifted across the blue sky; one cloud looked like Kim Kardashian's boobs. As I walked into my classroom, a blonde boy peered at me. He had these large blue eyes that said 'I'm so innocent' on them (he doesn't know what fuck means.) 

"Hey Eren!" 

"Oh hey."

"Did you watch the latest episode of Naruto?"

"Oh, uh, no."

But I did watch the latest videos in porn hub. I didn't say that, of course. I didn't want Armin to question me about what porn was. 

We headed to class, and I sat in my seat. Fucking hell, I just forgot that my seat was beside the fuck head's seat, Jean aka horse face. His head was long and slim like a horse's, but I thought that it wasn't only the part of him that resembled a horse. It was his whole face. It looked like a horse's ass. And also, his personality was the stinkiest shit ever. He thought he was Mr. Popular-who-is-totally-a-girl-magnet-#swag but to me he was just a worthless wannabe.

"Attention class," Mr Smith said. "We're gonna have a class project on different cultures. You are allowed to pick any culture."

He explained more details but it bored the hell out of me. I played flappy bird on my iPod underneath my desk, looking up occasionally so that Mr Smith would think I was paying attention. 

But the word 'culture' created a spark in my mind. Culture was a vague topic for a presentation; everything had something to do with culture. For example, bras and thongs would be part of the lingerie culture. I decided that I was going to ask Levi for advice once I got home, since his knowledge is far beyond mine.

The day just went by like a whirl; I was staring at a girl's small butt crack during carpet time (everyone sat on the carpet and listened to a story.) She was wearing low rise jeans, much too low. 

Huehuehue. 

School was finally over at 3:01, and I walked to my sister's middle school to get accompaniment walking back home. Her name was Mikasa and she was technically my mom #2. She acted so mom-ish sometimes — even more mom-ish than mom. Her attitude could sometimes piss the fuck out of me even though she was undeniably pretty. 

Her school was only a few blocks east of mine, and it was much bigger. I saw her, greeted her and we walked back home. 

When I arrived home, Levi oniisama was already home. He was in the kitchen eating a bag of all-dressed ruffles. 

"Yo Eren!"

"Yo, Levi-oniisan!"

I grabbed a chip from his bag and made loud munching sounds while eating it. I thought that it made me look like a thug; Levi always acted like a thug. 

"Oniisan, can you please please please please help me on a project? It's a project on cultures and I'm not really sure what culture to do."

Levi fiddled with one of his piercings on his left ear while munching on his chips. 

"Cultural project, you say? Uh, do the fob culture. Their English is funny and you can talk about the way they dress." 

"Do they wear thongs?!"

Mikasa looked disgusted when I said the word 'thong'. Like she doesn't wear one. I bet she wears the seamless thong, since she's workaholic and practical. 

"I don't know. Why don't you ask Mikasa?" Levi smirked. 

"I am so done with you guys!" Mikasa stomped away. 

Once Levi finished his chips he stood up and threw the empty bag away.

"Don't worry, little boy." He smiled at me. "Come to my room after dinner and I'll give you some ideas."

"Thanks, man." I tried to sound aloof, but it was hard to hide the excitement. Whenever Levi said 'ideas' it meant that he had something dirty on his mind. 

~

"Ooookay."

Levi sat on his black rotating chair, which he always called his 'Master Chair', while I sat on his bed. I've always loved Levi's room; it had pictures of thug rock bands, like My Chemical Romance. But that wasn't my favourite part. His bookshelf was the coolest shit ever. He had books like World Book Encyclopedia, Harry Potter, National Geographic and Divergent, but hiding behind these educational books that Levi had never read were loads and loads of porn mags. He had every brand; my favourite was playboy. How he got his hands on these books were beyond me. I think he must have a porn dealer or something. 

"So, you wanted me to help you on your culture project?" Levi asked. 

"Ya, I don't know what to do. I wanna do something that would appeal to others, but I don't have an ideas."

"Don't worry Eren, I'll give you some very, very good ideas. So first of all, what category do you want to do? Like the culture of a country, like the culture of Japan, or something like the culture of art, music?"

"I think I would prefer something artistic."

"Okay then. Do you want to do pop art? Or music? Rap? Or do you prefer to do something like dance?"

I sighed. Levi was definitely not taking this very seriously. His ideas were even more boring than mine. I've obviously already thought of topics like art, music and sports, but I wanted something that would really differ from the rest of the class's topics, something that would blow their heads off!

"Oniisan, are you not taking me seriously? Even a 5 year old could come up with suggestions like yours. They're so elementary."

"Are you sure, Eren? You know I could give you some intriguing topics, but your teacher would definitely not approve."

"It's fine! Totally fine! Maybe even Mr Smith would learn a thing or two from my presentation! I'm sure everyone would enjoy something more wild."

Levi snickered and I knew he had some extravagant idea. He played with an earring on his left year — an old habit that he could not break. 

"Well, Eren, what about doing you presentation on piercings? I'll teach you all about the world of piercings since I know a lot about it."

Piercings? That wasn't what I was expecting, but it was a good of a topic as any (I was expecting him to say something like the thong culture.) 

"Thank you, oniisan! I can't wait to start researching!"

~

The next day Mr Smith took us to the school library to get started on our projects. Kids took out encyclopedias and began writing their notes furiously. Fucking goody goodies. 

Suddenly I felt a light pat on my shoulder. It was Mr Smith. 

"Hey, Eren. What topic are you gonna do?"

"I'm gonna do my presentation on piercings." 

"Piercings, huh. Just make sure to make then age appropriate, please."

Age appropriate? Oh, so Levi oniisan did have something up his sleeve. 

"Don't worry, Mr Smith. I'll make sure it's appropriate for all audiences." 

He shot me a smile, then walked away to help some of my other classmates. I headed to the encyclopedia section and pulled a world book encyclopedia off the shelf. I flipped to the P section. After a minute of flipping, I finally found the page. I read it, and its description on piercings was quite superficial, so I decided to ask Levi instead. I spent the rest of the period jumping on the bean bags in the back of the library, ignoring the librarian's appalling glares. 

Once school was over, I headed over to Mikasa's school and as usual, we walked home together. Today, Levi was in his room working on his pre-calc homework and listening to Marilyn Manson full blast. 

"Yo, oniisan," I smiled.

"Hey Eren. How's school?"

"It was fine. Can you help me on my culture project. It's so fucking hard to find decent information on it in encyclopedias."

"Oh." Levi's expression suddenly turned serious. "Do you want me to teach you some useful information about piercings?"

"Of course, oniisan, of course!"

"Okay."

Levi turned on his lap top and went to google. He typed "vch" on his search bar and images of vaginas appeared on the screen. Just above it was a small metal thing; I wasn't sure what it was. 

"So, this is a piercing. It is pierced in the clitoris and it gives the person sexual stimulation," Levi said matter-of-factly. 

"Oniisan, what's a clitoris?" I felt stupid for asking because I knew that Levi would think of me as an ignorant noob. 

"It's a thing in a girl's groin that you can suck and it makes the girl go like 'oh-my-god-please-fuck-me-more'. And if you put a piecing there, the girl will orgasm whenever she rubs her legs together."

"Oooooh," I said, completely absorbed in this topic. "That is sooooo cool!" 

Levi enlarged a picture of that piercing. It looked quite painful, but then Levi explained that it wasn't that painful and the pain was equivalent to an ear lobe piercing. He clicked on some links on google and explained more about the piercing. I was extremely intrigued. 

"Well, that's it for today. You'll have to wait for tomorrow." 

"Alright, oniisan!"

I trotted back into my room and I realized how late it was already. I fell asleep quickly and dreamed about my imaginary girlfriend, but with a new gadget — a clitoris piercing. 

~

Step one for getting an A on a research project: do tons and tons of research (duh!)

And I did. 

The library didn't offer a lot of help since all their entries on piercings were about their history and shit. I knew it! Levi was the only one I could depend on! But quite unfortunately, today he had a hangout with his thug friends because they had apparently found a much better drug dealer who made better deals, and wouldn't mind dealing in the alleys (and not the sewer.) 

I decided that the internet would be my most useful source since the internet had all tons of shit. But since I didn't have my own computer (I wanted one for my birthday but instead my mom gave me a Mr Potato doll wtf), I snuck into Levi's room to use his. His laptop was midnight black and had a middle finger sticker taped right on the apple logo. I turned on the computer – the bright screen making my eyes shine with hope and delight. But my joy was completely murdered when a lock popped up on the screen; the computer was passcode protected. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN GODDAMIT! The problem was that I didn't know his password, although I could kind of guess that it was something super perverted like... cunt? I type 'cunt' into the space. Nope! 

One hour later~

What the actuAL FUCK. I had literally guessed every perverted word, swear and drug in the world. I even tried Levi's favourite porn stars and every one of his crushes since preschool. But all of them didn't work. It was as if all my hope was fading away into oblivion. I couldn't call Levi since I didn't have a phone and I didn't know his number anyway. So... now what?

Just then, I heard the front door unlock. Mikasa! She might have an idea of what Levi's password was! 

I flew down the stairs. 

"Mikaaaaasaaaaa!" I shouted so loud is heard echos.

"Be quiet! Stop shouting unless you want detention." (Such a mom!)

"Do you know Levi-oniisan's computer password? I need to do my research project but I don't have a computer."

"Ummm..." She thought for a second. "I think it's coke or something."

"Coke?!" 

Well oooookay because I really wasn't expecting that. Coke is great, but why coke and not orange juice, or even better, beer? I guess it's just Levi's way of being inconspicuous. 

I ran up the stairs and jumped onto the Master Chair. I typed 'coke' into the space and viola! It worked! (Yesssssss)

Levi had changed his wallpaper since the last time I saw him use it, which is yet another photoshop of him slapping Sasha Green's ass. 

I went into Safari and searched 'private part piercings' into the engine. After waiting a minute (fucking slow internet) articles of them popped up and wow... oh my god...

woOOOoooooWWW!!!! 

amaZiiiinnnnnnnNGGG!!!

I've never watched super hardcore porn before, but after reading all these articles and seeing all these pervy pics, I could finally understand why Levi had a serious obsession with this shit. It really was quite an amazing feeling. As I closed my eyes to imagine a wonderland full of sexy chicks with butt piercings, something frightening happened. My dick suddenly grew at least twice its original size and it was red (oh my god!) and veins jutted out and...

A PIECE OF MY BRAIN JUST SHOT OUT OF MY WEINER!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god

What the fUCK! Oh my god is this some kind of chronic disease or am I thinking to much? I better ask Levi once he gets home...

10 pm~

Finally. 

Levi arrived home with a bag of white flour(??) in his pocket. He wore a smug smile on his pale face and fiddled with the earring on his left ear. He wore eyeliner today. 

"Levi-oniisan!" I shouted. "Something extremely scary happened today!"

"Yeah what?"

"A piece of my brain shot out of my (don't say wiener don't say it don't say it) dick!" 

Levi stared at me in question. "I don't think that's physically possible. Why don't you come to my room and we can discuss it together."

"Okay!" 

~

"Alright."

Levi sat on the Master Chair and crossed his arms. 

"So what exactly happened? Your brain... shot out of your dick...?"

"Yeah. I was just researching about ass piercings and looking at pervy pics and suddenly a jet of this white brain juice thingy spurted out of my dick!"

Levi suddenly teared up and started laughing so hard he fell off his chair. He held the arm of his chair to keep balance. 

"Levi you okay?"

"What the fuck you stupid retard! After all those perverted classes from me and you still don't know?! I'm disappointed in you, Eren."

"I'm sorry! Oniisama I'm super sorry! I know I'm an airhead..."

"Oooookay." Levi pulled himself back upright on his chair. "What came out of your dick was not your brain. It's called cum."

"What's cum?" I felt dumb for asking. 

"I've never taught you? Cum is semen. Sperm. The shit inside your balls you use to make kids with a girl. It comes out of your dick when you feel horny."

"Ohhhhhh." 

And I understood. 

"Okay, thank you Levi-oniisan!"

"No probs, ask me anytime!" 

I felt reassured after this lecture with Levi. Thank god it was not my brain! 

"Oh by the way, Levi-oniisan. I have one more question for you."

"Yea?"

"Why is your computer password coke? Why not beer or some other liquor?"

Levi teared up again and laughed. "You stupid fuck..! Coke is another term for cocaine! I can't believe you're so dumb today..."

"Ohhhh I see! Thanks for all this advice oniisan! I love you!"

"Love you too and go to bed. It's almost eleven."

I trotted to my room and flopped onto my bed. So Levi wasn't being inconspicuous with his password after all. It actually meant something super cool. I really gotta thank Levi more for all this information since it would help me so much in society. I fell asleep as quick as a baby and wet my bed.


	2. Presentation Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's presentation day and I don't think Mr Smith would approve of Eren's topic unless he is a perv pedo (which he is not lol) 
> 
> (´･Д･)」

Today was the day I get to share a new, modern concept of piercings to my conservative classmates. I'm sure Mr Smith will be be super impressed by my research skills. Big A on this project! Also, I had gotten the help of my super, wonderful, motherfucking thug brother, Levi-oniisama. I'm sure this presentation would wow the whole continent (I might even win the Nobel Prize Award!)

School began at 9:00. The presentation was during second period, socials. First period was PE. We had to run laps around our school (as usual) and I've always enjoyed it because I would get to see girls' boobs bounce around. Krista, a blonde hottie with a C-cup even though she's only in third grade had super bouncy ones. Since PE was usually outside, I could gaze at the sky and think of what the clouds resembled (usually boobs and dicks.)

And then it was second period. FINALLY. My time to shine! I could prove to the class my maturity and stylish way of thinking.

"Alright class!" Mr Smith said. "Time for your culture presentations! I hope you've all chosen a good topic."

Yes definitely, Mr Smith.

"We will go in alphabetical order, so first up is Armin."

"O-ok!" Armin was shaking like a chihuahua.

He stood at the front of the classroom and held up his notes and began reading.

"U-um I'm doing my presentation on Kim-Jong-Il I mean Un! He is the dictator of North Korea and his father is Kim-Jong-Un I mean Il! He liked to play basketball when he was young and ...."

LOL. NO COMMENT ARMIN. I'M GONNA SEND THIS TO NORTH KOREA AND MAKE KIM JONG IDK BLOW YOU WITH A MISSILE!

After Armin were a few others like Bertolt and Connie.

And then.

Finally.

The spotlight of the day.

A speech better than Martin Luther King's 'I have a dream' (well maybe not but still...)

Something that would transform my peaceful, standard, default, run-of-the-mill, ordinary, average classmates into perverted, unstandard, undefault, un-run-of-the-mill, unordinary, unaverage (ok enough with the made up words Eren) motherfuckers. YES. I WILL BE GOD. YES.

I couldn't help but grin as I walked to the front of the class. Yes baby, it's show time.

"Oooookay guys!" I did one of those professor lecture coughs. Here goes. "Piercings aren't like what you think. Earlobe piercings aren't the only type in this world. There are many more piercings than that and I would like to share to you the piercing culture, and not only the surface but to explore deep into the sanctum of piercings." (What does sanctum mean again? Whatever...) "Let's start easy with something that we all know. An earlobe piercing is a piercing that is pierced on the earlobe and the pain is quite minimal. There are more complicated ear piercings such as the industrial piercing, which goes through the cartilage and hurts a bit more. In the face piercing category, there are also nose, mouth, eyebrow and tongue piercings which are all done with a needle, but let's just skip that because it's all pretty self-explanatory." (Fuck the history part and get into the real action.) "Now let's explore deeper into the piercing world. Piercings can also be pierced in places like the chest with a dermal piercing. Places like your belly button can also be pierced." (FINALLY.) "But piercings can also be pierced in places you least expected them to be – your private parts!" (YES WHERE YOU LEAST EXPECTED.) "A clitoris piercing is a piercing that is pierced in a girl's clitoris, which is a place in her groin that you can suck and it makes the girl go like 'oh-my-god-please-fuck-me-more'. And if you put a piecing there, the girl will orgasm whenever she rubs her legs together." (Quoted from the one and only Levi-oniisama because if I don't state my sources it's plagiarism.) "Contrary to most beliefs, the piercing does not actually hurt that much. Another piercing that's down there in a girl's you-know-where is the princess albertina. It's the female counterpart of the Prince Albert piercing, which I will explain later on. The princess albertina is a piercing that goes in the urethra and goes out the vagina. It creates sexual stimulation. Now moving on the guys... there's the appaaapapa-wha.... wait lemme see how to pronounce this first..."

I looked up at my audience because that's a crucial step for a presenter. Eye contact. Everyone looked pretty intrigued, but Mr Smith's face was... full of delight! (Or so I thought)

"Ok so it's called a –"

"Stop Eren, that's enough!"

It was Mr Smith.

"What is it Mr Smith?" I asked.

"That's enough Eren. Return to seat and see me at recess."

"But–"

"Now!"

Well that was brutal. I've never seen Mr Smith yell that loudly before, regardless of his stern face. I sat back on my seat and the next person went up to present.

What the fuck Mr Smith?

What

The

FuCK!

Recess~

Mr Smith sat on his chair and gave me a huge sigh. I stood beside his desk.

"So Eren," he started. "What's going on?"

"Why're you asking me when I should be the one asking you?"

He sighed again. "Do you even know what you did wrong?"

Wrong? What did I do wrong? All I did was give a presentation to the class!

"No sir I do not know."

"Because that presentation was highly inappropriate. I can't believe you would even know about this kinda thing, yet alone research about it. How could you even get the idea to do this topic?"

"Ummm..... "

"I understand, Eren, that kids these days are a little more – how should I put it – wild than kids from my generation. But you are old enough to at least know that this material, the topic you did for your project, is highly unacceptable."

"I still don't get it!"

Unacceptable? They were the teachings of my super amazing god-like brother! He is and always will be righteous!

"I think I'll need to call your parents in."

Oh, snAP.

I thought he was only saying that to scare me, but Mr Smith really was the no-nonsense type after all.

He called my parents.

~

I'm screwed.

Screwed to the bone, screwed to the fucking bone. I might as well spend the rest of my life as a hermit hiding in the trash can. Yes, my name is Eren Trasher (Jaeger + Trash) and please call me that from now on.

My mom, Mr Smith and I sat in the conference room after school. Apparently Mr Smith had already informed my mom on the situation and my mom didn't seem to be too happy about it. She kept giving me a stinky eye.

"So," Mr Smith started. "Why don't we go thought the situation one more time. The class was assigned a project on different cultures in the world and Eren went and decided to do the piercing culture, which wouldn't have anything too inappropriate. Unfortunately, he went and researched about piercings in 'areas where you would least expect them to be'. I honesty can't believe that he took it seriously though."

Mr Smith handed my notes to my mom and she read it. She cringed with horror.

"Eren!" she hollered. "No iPod for two weeks!"

"But mom–"

"Don't argue with me you little snitch! And apologize to your teacher!"

"Sorry Mr Smith," I apologized.

"As long as you know your mistake, then it's fine. Please don't do something like this anymore, and if you do, the consequences will be a lot worse," said Mr Smith.

And I understood. The material I used for my project was morally unacceptable. Then again, I was stupid to not figure that out sooner since Levi was the expert of immoral/perverted behaviour. I screwed up. But then again, it wasn't like Mr Smith didn't enjoy it. I could see him holding back a smile as I was presenting. That topic would arouse any type of guy.

"C'mon Eren, let's go."

Mom dragged me to the car, and on the way there, I saw Mr Smith masterbating in the corner of the teacher's room!

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAGAHAJAKAJAHAHAJAJAJAHAHAJAHSJDKSKDKDKD!!!!!!!!!!

~

No iPod for two weeks. No iPod for two weeks. NO IPOD FOR FUCKING TWO WEEKS!!!!!! Now how can I watch porn? Levi doesn't usually let me watch it with him and I don't have a computer. Also, to add to the heap of punishments, I have to finish reading Charlotte's Web and To Kill A Mockingbird by next week! Then I have to write a two paged summary about the books. Goddammit mom, you and your draconian methods. You wasted your talents by not working as a sadist in an S&M club.

I told Levi what happened today at school and he doubled over laughing.

"What the fuck! I can't believe it. I thought you were kidding!"

"I wasn't," I replied. "I was actually serious."

"You little fucker!"

I swore he was on a laughing drug. No normal person could laugh this hard. Levi was laughing so hard he started choking, which made his face paler than it already was.

"Hey Eren, want me to show you something cool?" he asked. "All the high school kids have some of this."

"Yeah of course!"

Levi took a plastic ziplock bag out of his drawer. It was the bag that he had in his pocket yesterday. Nasty flour(?!?!) sat inside the bag.

"What is that?"

"It's coke," Levi explained.

"OH COCAINE!"

Levi's face paled. "Shut up retard! Mom will hear. Call it coke, okay?"

"Aye aye captain!"

Suddenly I heard a thundering stomp so loud you would think that Zeus came from the sky to destroy mankind. The door flew open and –

MOM!

"Did I just heard you guys mention cocaine?" Mom glared at us.

"No way!" I said.

"Eren, it was you who said the word cocaine..."

"Ok, so basically, I said that I wanted a can of coke, but Eren was misled and thought that I was talking about cocaine," Levi explained.

Betrayed. That was what I felt. Levi blamed it all on me. Then again, I was the retard who screamed 'cocaine' so... well... (jumps into the trash bin!)

"Alright Eren, I'll extend your punishment; no iPod for three weeks. In addition, you have to read not only Charlotte's Web and To Kill a Mockingbird, but also the first book of Harry Potter. That's it."

Mom stomped out of the room, mumbling foully under her breath.

"FUCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN I SURVIVE WITHOUT PORN FOR THREE WHOLE WEEEEEKS???!?!?!?!"

1\. Why did I scream that?  
2\. Now my mom knows that I watch porn.  
3\. She will extend my punishment.  
4\. I'm screwed. Yes.

"EREN NO IPOD FOR THE WHOLE MONTH YOU LITTLE SCUMBAG AND YOU BETTER TELL ME YOUR PASSWORD SO I CAN CHECK YOUR INTERNET HISTORY AND TO ADD TO THE PILE YOU HAVE TO WASH DISHES AND VACUUM FOR THE WHOLE WEEK AND ALSO READ THE SECOND BOOK OF HARRY POTTER YOU DISAPPOINTING PIECE OF ABORTION!"

That was low. I felt my heart crack a tiny bit when she said the last part. I'm a disappointing piece of abortion? Abortion? AbortiON?!

Levi found it extremely funny (I swear he's on a laughing drug) and decided to call me a 'disappointing piece of abortion' for the whole entire week. Fucking traitor. To add to the pile, Levi said that he wouldn't give me any porn mags for the next month!

I want my porn back...

~

By the way, the password to my iPod is mypeniswantsthevagina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to do a lot of research for this chapter oh my god I'm a boy this is soooo embarassing!!!!!!!


	3. Mi casa and Mikasa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pervy bros venture into Mikasa's bedroom... and dear god

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating so long. I forgot my password lol

I believe that I had mentioned before that Mikasa probably wears a seamless thong. Today I will prove whether I was right or wrong. TIME TO GO ON A MIKASA BEDROOM TREASURE HUNT! Don't get me wrong guys; it wasn't my idea. It was Levi's. He felt bad for being a traitor and calling me a disappointing piece of abortion for the entire week, so he decided to make some fun plans for this weekend. My parents and Mikasa were going to go who knows where on Saturday so Levi and me get to rule the house! And yes, this is Levi's idea. LEVI'S. I am not a disgusting, incest-obsessed, freak child. 

~

Mikasa's bedroom was between Levi's and mine. Unlike ours (full of rock band/hot girl posters), her bedroom screams smart-ass chinx university dorm woman who doesn't know what porn is. Inside there was a very neat brown wooden desk, a brown wooden chair, a brown wooden closet and white bed (looks like one of those plain white ones from a mental hospital.) There were no posters of hot guys with abs on her wall. 

"Yo let's trash her room with some microwaved popcorn," Levi suggested. 

He trotted downstairs, grabbed the popcorn, and ran back up. He shoved a handful into his mouth. 

"Ok now let's get into the real shit and look for her thongs and shit!" He grabs another handful of popcorn. 

We opened the brown wooden closet and it made creaking sounds as it opened. 

wow  
Wow  
Wow  
Wow  
WowowowoWWOOWOWOOWSJSiwiwowoejslalsskfksSKAOAOSJSJAJA!!!!!!!

I'm sorry but whAT IS THIS PINK LACE THONG?!?!?! Yes, a small pink lace thong with a white ribbon tied from the crotch to the back. I explored deeper into this den of naughtiness and found items similar to the thong. Most of them were lace and pastel colors. Mikasa even had a white lace baby doll! I thought that my older sister was studious and good but oh dear god. To be honest, the thing that surprised me the most was that she had boobs. Mikasa always wore baggy tops (to hide those gigantic tits) so I never noticed, but when I looked at the tag behind her bras, they were all E cups. 

"Well well wasn't this surprising," Levi said. "I wouldn't have guessed that she was such a dirty bitch. She would definitely attract a lot more guys if she showed those large boobs of hers!"

"Yeah!" 

"Hey Eren, truth or dare?"

"Dare!"

"Okay, I dare you to sing this amazing song I composed to Mikasa when she comes home. I am sure she will love it."

"Okay teach me senpai-oniisama, what's the song?"

And he taught me. 

~

It was around 9:00pm when I saw my parents' car pull up the drive. My parents and Mikasa were finally back from who-knows-where. My mom grabbed her keys, unlocked the door and came in. 

"Hey Eren," they greeted. 

"Hi and where have you guys been? You left the house before I was awake and never told me."

"There was a science fair I had to attended. I had to present about different ecosystems and what we could do to help our environment," Mikasa explained. 

Levi came downstairs and they greeted each other. Suddenly, Levi's face paled and he looked like he was going to puke. 

"Oh shit..."

"Levi are you okay?!" I exclaimed. 

"Fine, I'm fine, I'll tell you later."

~

"What, are you kidding!?"

Yes. Levi did a dummy dummy thingy. He left his bag of unfinished microwaved popcorn in Mikasa's room. Now she would know that Levi and I snuck into her room. Levi and I had to discuss on how to deceive her. 

"Okay, I have an idea. You can say that you were doing homework and you ran out of lead for your pencil, so you took some from her and accidentally left your popcorn bag in her room," Levi suggested. 

"Okay, but why does it have to be me? You're the one who left it in there."

"Yeah I guess, but hey tell you what. I'm giving you an advantage here. You see, after you tell her that, say that you want to sing a song for her and sing the song I taught you. I'm sure she'll love you after it. After all, it's such a cute song."

"Okay m8! I will do that then!"

Coincidentally, Mikasa bursted into Levi's room and started squawking like a flu-infested bird. 

"You! One of you, I don't know who, but one of you left a bag of microwaved popcorn inside my room! Disgusting! You know how much I hate oily foods. You just contaminated the pure air inside my wonderful room. I'm going to get poisoned in there now and how am I gonna sleep oh my god?" 

"Eren has something to tell you," Levi said. 

"Okay," I cleared my throat. "I was doing homework and I ran out of lead for my pencil, so I took some from you and accidentally left my popcorn bag in your room. Sorry."

"Yeah you better be sorry!" Mikasa yells. "For the love of god."

She began to walk out of the room when Levi nudged me. I knew it was the signal. I was ready. 

"Hey Mikasa!" I said. "I have a song I wanna sing to you."

"Yeah what?"

(Hey guys sing with me. Sing in the tune of If You're Happy and You Know It. Sing it out loud.) 

"You have boobies and you know it clap your hands."

Levi claps. 

"You have boobies and you know it clap your hands."

Levi claps. 

"You have boobies and you know it and you really wanna show it you have boobies and you know it clap your hands!"

Levi claps and laughs so hard he falls over.

"It's true though! You're an E cup and you always hide your boobs. You'd be a lot more popular if you started showing them."

....?  
....??  
.?.?.!.!.!!?,!?!???????!!!! OH SHIEETt

There were no words to describe Mikasa's expression, but I guess it resembled what God would look like if Satan were to hire a gang of devil strippers to do a striptease in front of him. Levi started running down the stairs and out the door, claiming that he had plans with his friends. Fucking traitor. 

Mikasa immediately turned to me. "Eren... you little..."

Before she slammed the door in my face, she gave me a very unMikasa-like gesture: 

....................../´¯/)   
....................,/¯../   
.................../..../   
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸   
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\   
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')   
.........\\.................'...../   
..........''...\\.......... _.·´   
............\\..............(   
..............\\.............\\...

The next morning, my mom announced that she would take away my iPod for three months. 

~

Well, guess what. Levi felt bad (he better feel bad after ditching me). So today he promised me that he would take me to deal drugs with his thug friends! Yesssss!

We snuck out through the window at around 11:00pm, and headed out to meet Levi's friends at the entrance of Maria Wall Secondary School. 

"Hey fuckers!" Levi put a hand on my shoulder. "This is my badass kid brother, Eren. He wants to see how how drugs are dealt. Be nice to him, okay?"

"Okay, sista Levi, we'll be nice to your kid small-dicks," answered a blonde guy with a moustache. 

I peered above at Levi's three thug friends who were much, much taller than me. They made Levi look like a fucking midget! (And made me look even more of a midget than Levi...)

"So," Levi began to introduce them. "The moustache is called Mike, and the fawn-haired fucker is Farlan, my high school dud. Lastly, the guy who looks like an old fart is Oluo."

"The fuck!" the old fart spat. "Why the fuck did you call me an old fart, you motherfu – ahhHHH!"

I was perplexed for a second, but soon I realized that he bit his tongue. Levi and the others told me not to worry about it; apparently it always happened. 

"Well then, let's go deal some drugs, fuckers!" Levi exclaimed and the others cheered. 

Oh darn, I felt soooo fucking badass!

We got into Mike's beat up old Corolla, blasted some Marilyn Manson and he sped (while drinking whiskey) down the lanes to a place outside of Maria City. According to Levi, that was where the "titans" roamed, but it wasn't like I knew what those titans were. 

"What are titans?" I asked the thugs. 

Farlan laughed. "Yeah, of course a kid like you wouldn't know." 

"Titans are presumed as dangerous beings, but we're totally used to them," Levi explained. "Basically, they're the fuckers that live outside of Maria City. Most of them are badasses who deal drugs and shit."

"Ohhhh," I said in wonder. I learned a new thing today. 

We reached our destination in around thirty minutes. We hopped off Mike's car and headed down the street. Titans glared at us as we passed by. Even though I felt like I was going to pee in my pants, I tried to act thug. Levi must have sensed my fear, since he nudged me and asked if I was alright. 

After a while, we arrived at a back alley with graffiti all over the walls. It reeked of an unknown scent – probably drugs. The eerie clouds in the sky made the whole scene look even spookier. 

"Motherfucker!" Oluo exclaimed. "We already arrived like ten minutes late. That dude better pay us extra later a –"

Oluo bit his tongue again and he winced in pain. 

"Yeah, man he sure is late," Levi replied calmly. He got out a cigarette and took a drag. 

Suddenly, someone appeared from behind the wall. It was a tall man wearing an oversized hoodie. He must be a titan or something... so cool...

"So you got it? The morphine?" the man asked Levi and his friends. 

"Sure we did, you late fucker." Mike handed him a tiny bottle with a label that read "morphine". The man received it and shoved a crumpled fifty dollar bill into Mike's hand. 

"I guess we have enough cash to buy some more weed tomorrow then!" Farlan laughed. 

Just before the man turned to leave, his hood fell off his head. And

Holy shit.

Holy sHIT HOLY FUCKING SHIT  
AKKASLOSH JXKSKDKCKM KSLADKJXKXXO OFJHHHH MH GOOODODDDDDDD WHAT RHE FICKCLCKCKCKKCKKCKK!!!1!!!!111!!!!1!!111!!1!1!!!!!

The man was none other than Mr Smith.


	4. Talent Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did you really expect Eren to do an appropriate dance routine during talent show?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to update lots since I haven't updated in the past while

Aot crack story 4

Talent Show

I could not look at Mr Smith the same way. Ever. 

The next day at school, Mr Smith repeatedly glanced at me throughout class. He must have recognized me last night. But then again, it could've been a mistake on my part. Perhaps the man last night was Mr Smith's twin or body double or some shit like that. But truthfully I just wished that the man wasn't Mr Smith to keep things less awkward between us than it already is (cough cough, the piercing presentation, cough cough).

Jean-Horseshit must have caught on to my awkward behaviour around Mr Smith since he started nudging me during math. 

"Hey, you okay?" he whispered. "You're acting funny around Mr Smith. You have a crush on him?" 

"SHUT UP THAT'S DISGUSTI –"

I paused in the middle of the sentence; I just yelled that out loud. Jean snickered beside me and I kicked his shin. 

"Eren, you need to..." 

Mr Smith didn't finish his sentence. He simply sighed and went back to teaching today's lesson. 

~

"LEVI-ONIIIIIIIIIISAMAAAAAAAA!" I hollered once I got home. I began to frantically search for him. Turned out that he wasn't even home yet because five minutes later, I heard the door creak open. 

"What?" Levi asked. "I could head you from, like, five miles away."

"Oh my god, oniisama, I think Mr Smith is pissed at me from yesterday!"

"What? Who the fuck is Mr Smith?" Levi took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one. He took a puff before he began speaking again. "Hey, why don't you come to my room and we can talk there."

I followed him to his room. As usual, Levi sat on his Master Chair and I sat on his bed. 

"So what the fuck is up?" Levi took another drag. 

I explained the story to Levi, how the man who they dealt to yesterday was none other than my teacher, Mr Smith. "I think he's mad at me. He kept giving me weird glances during class."

"Alright, I think you just need to impress him," Levi explained. "It always works. Back when I was young, I always used to try and impress mom when she got pissed at me. Try that on your teacher guy."

"How?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to know? He's your teacher, so you should know what he likes and doesn't like."

"Right..."

"So what does he like?"

I thought for a moment. I honestly didn't know what Mr Smith liked. Even though most of my friends used chocolates as bribes, I wanted to think of something more original. Something that would blow his mind off! Something that would make him favour me forever. 

"No idea," I replied. 

Levi sighed. I must be annoying him. Asking him to help me with something as little as this must make him think that I'm an annoying asshole. 

"Is he a pervert?" 

Well wasn't that abrupt. 

"Yeah," I replied. Any guy who could masturbate in the teachers' room in broad daylight is probably a pervert.

Levi smirked. "Then that would be fucking damn easy." 

And so, after a few minutes, Levi-kamisama and I have formulated an attack plan. Later in the month, there would be a talent show in Maria Wall Elementary. If I won the show, that oughta impress Mr Smith! Hell yeah! Motherfucker! I would show my fabulous dancing skills (I took hip hop lessons last year) and win this thing! 

A week or so later~

I waited in line for the audition. About fifty kids were auditioning and only ten got to perform in the final round. I kept my fingers crossed while waiting in the line. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was none other than Jean-horseass-face.

"How is a talentless person like you gonna win?" Jean laughed. 

"Fuck you, ass-face. I'm actually quite a good dancer."

"Oh yeah? Well I'm performing dancing too. Ballroom dancing!" He pointed at his black outfit with elaborate jewels that showed off pretty much his whole unmanly chest. He doesn't even have abs! (Not like I have them either but...)

I laughed. "That's such a sissy dance. I thought you wanted to appeal to the girls, dumbass Jean."

"Huh? You're the dumbass!"

"Both of you are dumbasses!" someone hollered from behind. It was none other than Annie from the class beside mine. "My talent far exceeds from both of your stupid dances. I'm doing martial arts."

"Oh shut up! My talent is better!" Ymir screeched from behind Annie. "My talent is called the Krista-protecting styled martial arts!"

What the fuck is that..?

After a few more minutes of bickering, it was finally my turn to audition. I stepped onto the stage and took a deep breath. 

"Hi guys, I'm Eren Jaeger and today I'm gonna perform dancing."

"Lose Yourself" by Eminem blasted from the speakers and my body began to dance to the beat. I danced mostly hip hop, but I decided to incorporate some breakdancing moves into my routine. My dance was finished in around three minutes. The judges clapped and told me that they would announce the winners at the end of the day. 

When I exited the stage, I nudged Jean. "I hope you fail."

"Fuck you," he mumbled. 

~

At 3:00, the people who could move on to the final round were being announced by the PA. 

"So... those who can move on to the final round in today's auditions are..."

My heart leapt as the anticipation was building. I had got to make it to the finals or Levi would be so disappointed in me. The suspense was killing me! 

"They are Jean Kirstein, Annie Leonhart, Ymir, Connie Springer, Bertholdt Hoover, Marco Bott, Sasha Blouse, Mina Carolina, Reiner Braun...."

"Yes! Yes yes yes mothafucka!!!" Jean screamed beside me. "I fucking made it! All the girls in Maria Elementary are gonna love me! Fuck yaaaa!!!"

"And last but not least," the PA guy said. "Eren Gayger!"

...?

Gayger..? The fuck? 

"Sorry I read it wrong," he continued. "I mean Eren Jaeger. Sorry for the misunderstanding. It's JAEGER, not GAYGER."

Son of a bitch. 

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Jean laughed as if he was on drugs. "Eren Gayger made it. Gayger, that's so gay."

"Gayger!" the class cheered. "You go, Gayger!"

.........

....................../´¯/)   
....................,/¯../   
.................../..../   
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸   
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\   
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')   
.........\\.................'...../   
..........''...\\.......... _.·´   
............\\..............(   
..............\\.............\\...  
....................../´¯/)   
....................,/¯../   
.................../..../   
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸   
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\   
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')   
.........\\.................'...../   
..........''...\\.......... _.·´   
............\\..............(   
..............\\.............\\...  
....................../´¯/)   
....................,/¯../   
.................../..../   
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸   
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\   
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')   
.........\\.................'...../   
..........''...\\.......... _.·´   
............\\..............(   
..............\\.............\\...

~

I stomped home, flung open the door and banged my room door close. So much for winning. Now I'd be known as Eren Gayger forever and Jean-fucker would make fun of me for the rest of my life. My life is ruined. Trash can, here I come. 

A moment later, I heard the front door open. It was Levi. 

I ran to him, almost crying, but I held back my tears. "Levi-oniisama, something horrible happened today!"

"What?" he asked with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. 

"Everyone in the school calls me Eren Gayger now cuz they announced my name wrong when they were announcing winners and now I'm so fucking screwed they all call me Gayger now fucking Gayger!!"

"Gay...ger?" Levi raised his eyebrows, then broke into a laugh. "Oh I feel so sorry for you, Eren Gayger."

"ArghgghghggggHGJFFUFJFHF!" I whined. "You're soooo meaaaaan!" 

Levi took a drag. "Well, tell you what. You can be really awesome in the final round and reclaim your throne and be the most popular fucker in your school. And then everyone will call you King Eren Gay – I mean Jaeger."

"Pshh," I pouted. "I don't think a hip hop routine is gonna get me first place."

"Dumbass, I can help you make an amazing routine. I'm sure your teacher Mr Smigalasomething will be super impressed."

"Oh my god! Thank you Levi-oniisama!" 

"No problem. See you in my room after dinner, Gayger."

...

(凸ꐦಠิ益ಠิ)凸

~

Levi plopped onto his Master Chair and I sat onto his bed. We discussed for around half an hour and formulated a fucking super battle plan. We decided on another type of dance, one even better than hip hop, break dance, ballet ect. Levi made a battle plan where I would get to show off my guns, and my huge cannon with gigantic cannonballs. He even thought of a trump card for me! I had regained confidence. 

"Thank you oniisama!" I smiled. "You're the best!"

I already knew that I would win the final round of the talent show. Levi created an extraordinarily amazing and unique routine for me and I couldn't let him down. As I climbed into bed, I dreamed of winning the talent show, Mr Smith favouring me and the rest of Maria Wall Elementary bowing down to me, including the fuck-head, Jean Kirstein. 

Talent show day~

Fucking. 

Finally. 

The day of the talent show had finally arrived and the contestants sitting backstage all shook like a nervous bambi. Suprisingly, this year's contestants were all third graders. 

I peered outside from behind the curtains and saw all 429 members of the school in the school theatre. Parents sat at the back with their cameras ready. I spotted mom, dad, Mikasa and Levi sitting in the back left of the theatre. The principle, Mr Pixis, stood on the stage and began his speech. "Welcome to this year's talent show where our young students will display their unique talents. First up is Jean Kirstein, who will be performing an amazing ballroom dance routine. Please give an applause to Jean!"

While everyone else clapped, the contestants booed. I gave him a middle finger. 

Summary of Jean's routine: ugly, stupid, retarded, shitty, lacking, wannabe. Great attempt Jean, but no thank you. 

The other contestants went. They were all pretty standard, although Ymir's stood out. Not necessarily in a good way, but it was indeed extremely unique. I learned a thing or two from her Krista-protecting style of martial arts...

And then. 

Finally. 

The spotlight of the day. 

Fucking Eren Gayger – I MEAN JAEGER'S time to shine. 

It felt like the time when I was waiting to present about the piercing culture, except even better. I couldn't even imagine what everyone's expressions would be like after I preformed. I'm sure I could be the new Michael Jackson. Fuck yeah, Maria Wall Elementary. Get ready for my fucking awesomeness!

I walked onto the stage, trying my best not to trip. My legs felt like Squidward's tentacles. I finally understood why models are so nervous on the catwalk. I felt like Candice Swanepoel or Kendall Jenner or something. Finally arriving at the centre of the stage, I took a deep breath. Levi glanced at me from the back of the theatre and gave me a thumbs up. Feeling a rush of adrenaline, the music started. A song with lots of swears that Levi chose blared from the speakers around me. 

Here we fucKING GO!!11!!!1!1!!1!!!

I stripped my baggy jeans and hoodie and Velcro runners, revealing a red leather leotard that showed off my man-boobs, with a corset tie in the back that showed off my ass cheeks. My dick shape didn't show in the front since mine was small as an acorn. I wore those weird fishnet stockings that came up to my thigh and fiery red heels that I could hardly balance on. There was a collar on my neck and handcuffs attached to my left hand. I took out a leather whip from my backpack and began slapping my own ass. After that, I did this ass dance wiggle thing. Then I got out a pole and did some (unsuccessful) pole dancing while (successfully) showing off my man-tits. I gave my audience a flirty wink and wiggled my small ass. Then I got out my whip again and slapped my ass. Perfect timing, since there was something that sounded like a moan in this section of the song. Wiggling my ass, I prepared myself for my trump card – a move that Levi taught me. As I felt the anticipation build, I slowly peeled the leotard off my body, while wiggling my ass. Finally, saving the best for last, I stabbed this thingy (looked like a string with tiny sausages) into my ass (it was slightly painful.) After pulling it back out, I flung it into their air and it landed somewhere in the audience. I did my final sexy super pose and gave them a blow-kiss. 

Fucking...

wonDERFUL.

Hands down no questions asked first fucking place. 

I was so into the dance that I totally forgot to look at the audience the whole time. Their expressions were too spectacular to explain. It seemed like they wanted an encore. 

Levi, wearing a gold chain around his neck and a cigarette in his mouth, ran from the back row onto the stage with a huge stash of cash in hand. He flipped the stack of $100 bills at me as I did a victory pose. 

"Eren Gayger I loved it you awesome retarded little fuck!" he laughed. "Motherfucker you just made my day. I fucking love you!"

I felt so happy. 

But my happiness was sucked into oblivion in a mere second when Mr Pixis stomped towards me. His expression was... idk I can't even. It was worse than what God would look like if Satan were to hire a gang of angels (that he corrupted) to do a striptease in front of him. The parents and teachers threw banana peels at me and told me to get lost. Then, I saw my own parents and Mikasa. 

\\(≖╻≖;)/

I was even more fucked than fucked.


	5. Stoned & Suspended

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Eren's awe-inspiring talent show performance, he has no choice but to accept the consequence — being exiled from his beloved older brother, Levi.   
> In addition, Eren experiences a few "S" words for the first time: Separation anxiety, Solitude, being Stoned and Se@#%*^$+!!!

Suspended. For ten days. That would've been great if I had a chill mom (Netflix and chill all day!!), but unfortunately, she's not chill at all. Furthermore, no iPod for the rest of the year, Kumon for the rest of the year, library club for the rest of the year, cadets for the rest of the year, and also, no talking to Levi for the rest of the week because apparently he was a "bad influence". Goddammit mom, you're pushing this a whee bit too far. My dance routine was one (literally) sick performance, but at least I was able to attract (although not necessarily good) attention. I had a feeling that my life would be prison for the rest of the year. Worst of all, my parents told me that I had to do therapy for a month because my behaviour lately was extremely inappropriate.

~

It was a few days after the disaster talent show (which I obviously didn't win; according to Armin, the winner was Annie) and my mom took me to a place called the Happy Survey Corps, a therapy clinic for children and teens. The entrance had large balloons and posters of smiling patients. Mom talked to the reception lady for a moment and they assigned me to a room very quickly.

"I better see an attitude change from this," mom told me. "If it doesn't happen, we're going to have to extend your therapy."

I pouted. "But mom, that's not fair."

"No buts. I'm sure it's gonna be alright."

Fucking alright your face. If any of my friends were to find out, they'd bully me for the rest of my life!

I entered the therapist's room in small steps. The room had white walls, a desk and a sofa. A man with blonde hair and a lab coat sat on a rotating chair behind the desk. Closing the door behind me, I walked towards the man.

"Oh, have a seat." The man gestured towards the chair opposite to his.

I sat on the chair and looked at the man. He had blonde hair, a moustache and had a striking resemblance to... who was it again?

"Hello," he said expressionlessly. "I am Dr Zacharius. What's your name?"

"I'm Eren Jaeger."

"Alright." He took out a pendulum-like object from his desk drawer. "I want you to relax first because your behaviour lately may be a result of stress and anxiety. Just stare at the pendulum. I will count to ten and something that you love most will pop into your mind. At the end of this exercise, tell me what that thing is."

I nodded and stared intently at the pendulum that he dangled in front of me.

He began counting. "One, two, three..."

I doubted that it would work. These kinds of things were usually frauds. Besides, the therapist dude looked slightly too young anyway.

"Five, six, seven..."

What if it worked? What is the thing I love most? Hot girls?

"Eight, nine, ten. Eren, what are you thinking of?"

.  
..  
...  
....  
.....  
......  
........  
............

Levi.

...?

Σ░(꒪◊꒪ ))))

NOOOO WAYYYY I KNOW PEOPLE CALL ME GAYGER BUT I'M NOT GAY!!!! AND I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH MY ONIISAMA!!!

"So what did you think of?" Dr Zacharius questioned.

"L.... ummm." I couldn't possibly say that the thing I love most was Levi. My mom would probably send me to an anti-gay therapist or something. "Lev– I mean – lobsters! I love lobsters so much! I've always wanted a pet lobster!"

Great save, Eren!

"Oh cool," Dr Zacharius replied nonchalantly. "I know a lot of kids think of shrek when I ask them that, but lobsters are cool too."

The door abruptly bursted open. Behind it stood an extremely familiar face.

Levi?!

I suddenly thought of the pendulum hypnotizer and how I got Levi as my result. I tried not to blush, but I was sure I did.

"Why the fuck are you here? Did mom make you do therapy too?" I shouted.

"What the fuck, Eren? Why the fuck are YOU here? Mom made you do therapy?" Levi closed the door and took a drag from his cigarette.

"I thought she said we weren't supposed to talk to each other for like, a week."

"I'm not here to see you, dumbass. I'm here to see that fucker over there." He pointed to Dr Zacharius.

Confused for a moment, I examined the man's face more thoroughly, from the blonde hair to his neat moustache.

"Moustache Mike?" I exclaimed. "The drug thug dude with the Corolla!"

Levi and Mike both shushed me and told me not to yell "drug" so loud.

"Okay okay," I said. "But what if mom knows you're here? I'd be screwed."

Levi took a puff and smirked. "You look dead, small-dicks. Why don't we go out and get stoned?"

We headed out in Mike's Corolla and drove to the outskirts of Maria City. On the way there, we shared a bottle of beer, which tasted like piss (and looked like it too) but I tried to act like I was totally used to the taste. Once we reached our destination, we headed to an alleyway, which resembled the one I went to with Levi's gang. Graffiti covered the wall and there were empty bottles of alcohol on the floor.

Levi took out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and handed one to Mike and me.

"Time to get high!" Mike lighted his cigarette.

I turned to Levi. "Do cigarettes get you high?"

"No dumbass. This is fucking weed," he said matter-of-factly. "Cigarettes totally make you high, you fucking retard."

I stared at my joint in awe. This is fucking WEED. I'd never had weed in my life. Ever. After Levi lit his joint, I took the lighter from him and lit my own. I put it inside my mouth and tried to imitate Levi's cool, stylish drag. Unfortunately, it only made me choke.

"First time?" Mike asked.

"Yeah (no shit Sherlock, I'm only eight!)," I replied and took another drag. Surprisingly, this wasn't making me high at all.

Mike was already high as fuck. He was threatening Levi to strip or else he would put a lobster into Levi's pants. Levi simply ignored him and told him to get lost.

"I'm not feeling any effect," I told Levi.

"Oh well, our family has high drug and alcohol tolerance," Levi said. "I don't feel high until five minutes into smoking."

"Oh right. Dad can drink thirteen bottles of vodka without getting drunk."  
  
I was five minutes into smoking and I still wasn't high. SuddenLy...

FAGAOFAFADOLASLAAIILLYYLAALALALALLASAGAGAGAGAHGASHAJJAAHA......

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHJAAHHAAHAHA MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!11!!1!!1!1!1!!!!!1!1!!1!!11!1!!!!

sON oF a biTCH i tHiNK i'M HiGH!  
it  
\----worked!

i pUT MY ArM arOUND LEVi'S SHOuLDer anD whiSPerED INto hiS EaR, "To bE honEST, i havE a cRUSh on yoU, ONiiSAmA..."

He flinched and looked at me funny for a second. "You high?"

"NoooOOooOo waYyyyYYYyyYyY!! I ain'T fuCKeN hiGH."

"Oh right, you are high," Levi whispered. He wasn't even high yet.

"I lovE you sOooO mucH i wAn YoU tA FUCK mE IN THE AsshoLE."

Meanwhile, Mike was standing in the middle of the street performing a striptease. The residents nearby were looking at him like he was mental.

"OniiiisaMAaaaaaa!! PleaSe, I can'T contAiN mY LoVE FOR you aNyMOre!" I screamed. "JusT fucK me aLREaDY!"

"Okay, okay, I get it! I'll fuck you later, okay?" Levi pushed me away from him. He started laughing a little; the drug was kicking in.

Mike was swinging his dick like a crazy ape in the middle of the road. Fortunately, there were no cars. Then he started singing some old Beatles song and playing air guitars. He grabbed the bottle of beer we drank earlier and gobbled up the whole thing.

"OniiiSaMAAA! I LovE yoU!" I pouNced ontO Levi, gave him a huGe smoocH, and I couLdn't recall what haPpeneD afteRWardS...

~

"Where is my son?" mom asked the receptionist. "My son, Eren Jaeger. He is with Dr Zacharius, right? Why aren't they finished yet? The appointment is only supposed to be an hour and a half long, but it's already been over two hours now! And they aren't even in the room."

"I'm sorry, I really don't know," the receptionist replied.

"Do you want me to call the police? Has my son been kidnapped?"

"No, no. I'm sure he's fine. Maybe he's in the bathroom or something."

Coincidentally, the front door of the clinic bursted open. Mike and I walked into the clinic.

"There you are!" mom hollered. "Where have you two been?"

I was doing drugs, mom. Levi came to the clinic to pick me and Mike up and we drove to a sketchy area in the outskirts of Maria City, while drinking beer. After that, we did marijuana and we were high for almost two fucking hours. It was great, mom! Really helped with relieving stress and helping with my behaviour!

Ha ha. Did you really think I would say that? I'm not that retarded, guys.

"I was..." I began.

"We went out for ice cream," Mike said (nice save, Mike!) "I did an exercise with Eren to see what he wanted most right now, which helps with relieving stress and improving imprudent behaviour. Turned out that he really wanted ice cream, so I took him out for some Ben and Jerry's."

"Yeah, it was great, mom! I had... uh... mint chip and chocolate."

"Oh really," mom replied. I hoped that she wouldn't be suspicious. "Well, I should pay you back. How much was it?"

"No it's fine, it's fine," Mike insisted. "Really, I just wanna make the kid happy."

Mom and I said goodbye to Mike and left the clinic.

When we got home, mom told me that I would have to pick a book for a reading assignment she's going to give me. I hadn't even finished the ones she gave me last week! What the fuck. I had a slight feeling that mom is beginning to dislike me. Mikasa disliked me too, from the popcorn-boobie incident. I was quite sure that dad hadn't been too fond of me since my birth, since he never really talked to me much. The only one left is...

FUCK YOU MOM! HOW DARE YOU TAKE AWAY MY BELOVED LEVI FROM ME GODDAMMIT HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO REMOTELY CARES FOR ME!

Wait a sec. Beloved? My god, am I really gay? No way, I ain't gay.

Or am I?

~

I felt so lost. It was already nighttime when I realized that I hadn't even eaten dinner yet. The others would usually call me for dinner, but apparently today they forgot about me. I rolled around on my bed for a while, then hopped off. I reached for my iPod on the bedside table only to find my alarm clock. Oh right, mom took it away. Laying back down on my bed, I realized that I had nothing to do. Was porn really the only thing I existed to live for?

No, I realized. It wasn't porn that I was living for. It was... Levi.

I was only 8 years old.   
I loved Levi so much, I kept all the porn he gave me.   
I prayed to Levi every night before bed, thanking him for the life I've been given.   
"Levi is love," I said. "Levi is life."  
Dad heard me and called me a faggot.   
I called him a cunt.   
He slapped me and sent me to go to sleep.   
I was crying now, and my face hurt.   
I laid in bed and it was really cold.   
A warmth was moving towards me.   
I felt someone touch me.   
It was Levi.   
I was so happy.   
He whispered into my ear, "This is mi casa."  
He grabbed me with his powerful heichou hands and put me on my hands and knees.   
I was ready.   
I spread my ass cheeks for Levi.   
He penetrated my butt hole.   
It hurt so much but I did it for Levi.   
I could feel my butt tearing as my eyes started to water.   
I pushed against his force.   
I wanted to please Levi.   
He roared a mighty roar as he filled my butt with his love.   
Dad walked in.   
Levi looked at him straight in the eye and said, "It's all okama*** now."  
Levi left through my (he couldn't leave through my window) door.   
Levi is love, Levi is life.

~

It was morning, and the Jaeger family gathered around the table for breakfast.

"Man, I had this really weird dream last night," dad said. "It was like, really weird."

"What was it about, honey?" Mom asked.

"Wow, well, I don't even know how to explain. I just saw some really weird things. Like, I don't even know why I'd dream about things like that."

Mom examined dad's expression for a second, then continued eating breakfast. Levi, who was sitting beside me, smirked.

No dad, it wasn't a dream. Or at least I didn't think it was. After all, my butt hole still hurt from last night's "dream".

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many apologies for lack of updates (how many people are still reading this haha) but here it is!!  
> *** note: in the original shrek this part is "it's all ogre now" so I attempted to come up with an O word that would fit this phrase and ended up with "okama". Okama basically means drag queen or gay in japanese (which is actually quite fitting for this situation) but i was curious of the history behind it, so I searched it up on a reliable japanese source. (This is kind of long but feel free to read more if interested!)   
> So as I mentioned before, a person who is physically a male but has the mindset of a female or has the interest of dressing as one is called an okama. So here's the history. There has been a rumor/theory that in previous times a guy's ass is called an "okama" and the act of male (lovers?!) using their ass is expressed with the "hidden language" of "digging the okama (which means ass in this case)." Since then, the meaning of okama had broadened.   
> Thanks for reading and I'll try to update when I'm done finishing 100 piles of homework (*｀へ´*)


	6. Instagram

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren attempts to one-up his biggest enemy, Jean 'horse-ass-shit face', by uploading glamorous (ahem!) pictures of himself dressed in racy garments and consequently becoming #instafamous.

"Yeah, just like that..."

SNAP! 

"Oh, oh no, this angle is a little... Yeah, yeah, just like that. Oh man, I'm so fucking hot." 

SNAP! 

"No, it would be better if I showed a bit more of my hot ass mantits. Oh god, I'm so damn fucking hot, I could fall in love with myself." 

Jean shifted his ass around on what was currently known as the "popular" table, trying to find the most attractive angle for his new moronic Instagram #swag #superhot picture. Apparently, he got the permission to sit there after winning second in the annual Maria Wall Elementary talent show, and ever since then, he had been giving off this stinky "you can't sit with us" attitude, hugging and flirting with girls 24/7. I was beginning to hate him even more than before. I mean, he even got an iPhone 7 for winning! Compared to that, I only had a little iPod with 2 GB that was smaller than a piece of goat shit, which by the way in case you forgot, was ripped away from my possession after those, um, incidents. As Jean Horseshit-assface took more pictures of his horseass face, I mentally made a bunch of new insults just for him. That fucking lowly narcissist. 

Suddenly I felt someone nudge my shoulder. I thought it was Armin, but I forgot that his mom apparently told him to distance himself from me after that (extremely, fascinatingly, amazingly wonderful) disaster of a talent show, since she claimed that I was a "bad influence". 

"Hey, loser!"

It was none other than Jean the Horse shit. 

"Sitting all by yourself in the loser's corner, huh. What happened to that condescending attitude you had just a week ago, Gayger?" Jean teased while smirking. 

"Shut up, horse face! You're just trying to go the mainstream style, posting your ugly ass pics on Instagram! Oh, I saw your fugly pictures by the way, and they looked like they were from some cheesy third rate porn that you don't even need to pay to watch!! Oh I see, you you've stooped so low that you need to join the fucking porn industry?!"

"Shut the fuck up, you ignorant dumb faggot!" Jean bellowed. "This is called..."

Jean began making blatantly disgusting poses that looked like something Gaston from Beauty and the Beast would make. 

"A~E~S~T~H~A~T~I~C~S!" he shouted belligerently. "It's called aesthatics, Gayger."

"YOU! YOU SPELLED AESTHETICS WRONG, YOU DUMB FUCK!" 

"Oh better than you, Gayger. You don't even have an Instagram account."

"Ha! But I have a Myspace account, plus accounts in like every other fucking porn site!"

"Oh, Gayger!" Jean began laughing. "Are you stuck in the 2008 scene queen era? Oh dear, and you watch porn? You're the one who's blatantly unauthentic, copying your ugly brother to a tee."

Okay. He just crossed the fucking line. Insulting my beloved Levi? No, just no, horseshit Jean.

"HUH! How dare you insult my oniisama!! He's not ugly. He's a super-duper motherfucking badass thug!" I screamed in his face. 

"Shut up, Gayger, you little incestuous freak. Actually I don't even know why I'm talking to a loser like you, so I'm gonna leave."

Jean left and headed back to the "popular" table, flirting with basic blonde bitches with stomach piercings holding Starbucks iced coffees and wearing crop tops. Like seriously? Stomach piercings in the fucking third grade? 

I began to feel the loneliness, and time moved as if the world was turning in slow motion. 

~

"Levi-oniiiiiiisamaaaaaaa!!!!!!" I screamed the moment I arrived at home. I didn't even wait for him to answer and just dashed into his room. It turned out that Levi had skipped school today, and he was listening to Marilyn Manson full blast while reading the latest issue of Playboy. 

"God, what?" Levi asked. "You don't have to fucking scream every time you call me."

"No, this is an extremely, terribly serious matter, I tell you." I began explaining what happened today at lunch. "Levi, please please please help me think of a way to one-up that horseshit-face! My eight year old brain has its limits." 

"Just make an Instagram account and get more likes and follows than him. Simple as that. End of story."  

"No shit, Captain Obvious! But how on earth do I do that?"

Levi laid his magazine down on his desk, then nonchalantly turned to face me. "Eren, what's your most appealing talent?"

"Dude, you think I have any? Look at what happened in that talent show! It's because I don't have any talent that I didn't win."

Levi shook his head. "No, retard. The only reason why you didn't win was because that old principle guy kicked you out. I thought that your performance was the most spectacular out of them all. It was definitely one of the most memorable ones, Gayger."

"Oh really! Omg I'm sooo happy – wait did you juST CALL ME GAYGER!"

"So you do have a talent, a really magnificent one, in fact," Levi told me matter-of-factly. 

"What is it? Why do I not know of this super power?"

Levi pilled a cigarette out from his pocket, lit it, then took a drag while smirking. "I think you know goddamn well what your amazing 'talent' is."

Levi told me and I nodded my head the whole time, convinced of what he was telling me. Then, we formulated an amazing strategy for my upcoming battle against Jean, in which our greatest and most formidable weapon was...

My tiny ****. 

~

"Alright... Just like that..."

SNAP!

"Oh wow, this angle makes me look so fricken damn thug..."

SNAP!

"No no no, I gotta zip it down a bit more..."

After stealing dad's Canon camera from his room (since my mom took away my iPod and therefore I don't have a camera) I began taking HD, sexy pictures of myself to prepare for my #instalicious #swag (I can't hashtag for the love of god) Instagram account. Even though Levi and I discussed our battle plan for an hour, we forgot to talk over what outfits to wear and I felt kind of bad for going to bother him again, so I decided to incorporate a sort of elegant, classy and sexy type of style, like something you'd wear on a romantic night in a hotel that overlooked river Seine. I even went all the way to dig through Mikasa's bedroom closet for some lacy lingerie and naughty garments. I occasionally glanced at my bedroom mirror, admiring my own extremely sexually attractive reflection. 

"Man, I look even more gorgeous that the most famous A-list celebrity," I whispered to myself. "I'm even sexier than Kim Kardashian..."

I was snapping a few more photos of my alluring self, when Levi walked into my room. 

"Oh god, what the fuck!" Levi made a perplexed expression as he saw me. "What the fuck on earth are you wearing? Are you like, interested in being a drag queen, Gayger?" 

"Oh Levi, great timing!" I passed Levi the camera. "Help me decide what pictures to upload onto my new account." 

Levi flipped through the numerous pictures I took of myself, furrowing his brows. "Eren, I'm disappointed in you." 

"Huh?!" I exclaimed. "Why, what's wrong?" 

Levi sighed, and I knew that he was greatly disappointed in me. "Dumbass, do you really think that you can win that horse dude with these pictures?"

"Oh," I said dumbfounded. 

"Also, you'd probably get reported on Instagram if you post these. Just saying." 

Levi tossed the camera back at me, then walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. I was genuinely confused as to why I would get reported for posting these nice pictures of myself. I mean, so many of those #instafamous girls post pictures of themselves in sexy lacy clothing! Why can't I do the same?

Suddenly, I came into realization as to why I'd get reported. It was most likely because my pictures didn't have that A~E~S~T~H~E~T~I~C. That was why Levi said I would not win against Jean, because as I reviewed those photos, I realized that they looked like the tacky D-list porn star photos that Jean takes. I'd definitely get reported for taking such lame, pathetic pictures by the beautiful Instagram community! 

"Okay, let's start over," I said while deleting those horrible pictures, and getting read for my new, awesome, and extremely sexy pictures. 

Around two and a half hours later, I finally finished my Eren's Secret lingerie photo shoot (inspired by Victoria's Secret, only better, because it's Jaeger style) and I examined the photos that I just took. 

"Yup, these are a winner," I grinned. "Definitely a winner. Just you wait, you shithead horse ass. You're gonna regret pissing me off!" 

I bursted into Levi's room without knocking because I was ecstatic about this, and I wanted to hurry and upload them. 

"Levi-oniisama! Computer! I need your computer desperately!" 

"Oh, so you're finally done your nasty photoshoot?" Levi asked, and I handed over the camera. Levi examined the photos and gave me an even more perplexing look than before. "Can I just be honest with you?"

"Huh? Sure," I replied. 

"You look fucking hideous." 

"WHAT? Noooooo," I whined. "No wayyyyy! You're so mean to just outright call me hideous!" 

"It's true. You look fucking ugly, but you can fix that with some makeup."

I couldn't even tell if Levi was joking or not, because I realized lately that Levi had been jokingly getting me into ridiculously embarrassing and life-scarring situations. Nonetheless, Levi looked absolutely serious this time, giving me a no-nonsense expression, so I decided to believe him. 

"But I don't wanna have to put on makeup and start over the shoot." 

"You retard, you don't need to start over. I know the best brand of makeup that you can use, plus you apply if after you take the photos."

"What?!" I exclaimed. "There's really such a thing?"

"Of course," Levi nodded. "Almost all celebrities use this type of makeup before uploading their photos."

"Tell me!" I begged, prostrating myself on the floor. "Please tell me this amazing makeup method, Levi-kamisama!"

"Alright alright, I guess I have no choice, huh. This amazing tool is called Le Liquify from the brand Adobé Photoshoppe CĆ." 

"Oh, do I have to buy this from like, Sephora or whatever name that makeup place is called?" I inquired. 

"No dumbass. Just download it from your fucking computer. Simple as that."

"Ohhhh," I said in awe as Levi showed me the procedure of attaining this gorgeous makeup. It was like instant plastic surgery minus the pain, and I was astonished after the makeover, as I looked even more flattering than Angelina Jolie. Levi enlarged my eyes in just a few clicks, adding Kardashian-styled contouring, punk styled black eyeliner like the one Levi does, super on fleek brows and Kylie Jenner lips, and then shaved off my round eight year old jaw into one of those Ulzzang girl cute V-shaped jaws. 

"Fucking, wonderful," I grinned. "I can be the next top model." 

"Next," Levi said, "is to start your account." Levi turned to his laptop and proceeded to create a new account on Instagram. "Dumbass, what username?"

I hadn't thought about it before. I knew that Jean's username was @jeantheprincecharming or something miserably moronic like that, and I was determined to make mine more hip and stylish. I pondered for a while, then I came up with an impressive username. 

"What about @fuckmeimerenandimhot?" I suggested. 

"You really have a horrible immature taste in things," Levi said, looking disgusted. 

"Okay okay! What about," I thought for a while, "@angelrose_erenchan?" 

"God, I give up on you. Whatever, let's just go with that," Levi sighed as he typed it into the computer. After that, we uploaded a profile picture that Levi photoshopped of me in Mikasa's baby pink thong while laying on a bed of red roses. I was making that in-the-middle-of-a-moan 'oh, fuck me more' expression.  I set the name of my page as Le Angle de la Ërén Jaégér with a heart emoji, adding accents to make it more French-ish and graceful (angle though. I misspelled angel without realizing it.) Finally, it was show time. I clicked the camera button to post my photo, choosing the Lo-fi filter to accentuate my manly curves. I added approximately fifty hashtags, then finally, fucking finally, after nearly four hours of preparation, I uploaded the photo, wearing a smug smile as I did. 

"I did it, Levi," I began. "Now that Jean shitface will go down. He will sink to the bottom of Maria Wall Elementary's social hierarchy like the peasant he is, and I will be the new king of the school. Then he'll be grovelling on the pavement, begging me, oh fucking wailing for me to let him sit with me and the thugs in the popular table, but hell no, not a snowball's chance in hell would I let him. After all, his photos on Instagram are even more pathetic, shitty and low-grade than some homeless F-grade hooker porn star's free photos that pimps hand out in sketchy scammy casino hotels that give you a room for $30 a night plus tax!"

I grabbed Levi's bottle of vodka from his desk and chugged it down, since throat was getting desert-level dry from my speech. 

"Finally! The spotlight is mine, and that fucking horse, whose only talent is neighing, showing off his nonexistent abs and baking bread between his legs from fucking a hundred bitches a day, will have no choice but to throw away all his pride and dignity, and become my fucking minion!!"

I internally applauded myself for my intensely, wonderfully inspiring monologue that could probably be published in Act I scene VI of the famous epic known as The Journeys of Eren Jaeger. 

"Well," Levi said as he leaned back on his rotating chair. "I guess all that's left is to wait for likes and follows to come flooding into your page."

I felt an intense adrenaline rush as I waited for the anticipation of becoming super famous. The suspense was literally killing me! 

I returned the camera to my dad's study, then for the remainder of the night, I laid on my bed fantasizing about how the tables were turning and how the odds would now be EVER in my favor.

~

After all whole night of not sleeping and thinking about the destruction of my greatest archenemy, Jean the Horse, it was morning before I even had a chance to doze off and the morning light began to seep into my room. 

"Ugh fuck, I'm so tired," I mumbled as I headed down for breakfast. 

At the dining table, I didn't really pay attention to my family's mundane conversations, and I only recalled them mentioning something about how mom had a meeting today, and how dad was going to take pictures for some science thing in some national park. 

As I headed to school, I couldn't keep myself from smiling. I wondered if Jean and the gang of losers had already seen my model material photo. When I arrived at school, Jean was already in his Instagram mode, snapping photos of his ugly self with one of those Asian selfie sticks. 

"Duck face, baby," he whispered while doing some tacky pose. "Oh la la..." 

"Gross," I muttered under my breath. 

Throughout the day, I paid close attention to see whether people have discovered my account and my photo, but no one mentioned a thing about it. As the day proceeded, my shining star of hope gradually became shrouded with darkness, and I felt myself being consumed with a feeling of disappointment. 

After school, I sprinted home and made a beeline straight to Levi's room. 

"Leeeeeevi-oniiiiiiisamaaaaa!!!!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. 

"Goddammit could you shut up for the last time?" Levi said exasperatedly.  

"No one paid any attention to me at all! None! It was as if I never posted anything at all!"

"You fucking retard. Unless you're some hot celebrity, there's no way you can get famous with only one post. You're not a celebrity nor are you hot in any way. You've gotta work on it. Post more pics." 

"Ohhhh okay!" I nodded, then went on Levi's computer to check how many likes I got. 

Zero. Nothing. Nada. 

"Well, good luck Eren," Levi said. "Good luck on your hopeless quest on being a famous Instagram porn star."

"I'm not –"

I abruptly stopped mid-sentence when I heard a deafening thump coming from the entrance of my house. It was as if Satan had hired a huge crowd of angry demons to invade my house. I sensed the evil. 

"EREN!" I heard a familiar voice growl like something even worse than the devil itself – an angry parent. 

"EREN, YOU BETTER COME UPSTAIRS AND EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IS ON MY CAMERA!!"

oh. oh SHIIIIIIIT AHHHHHHHH!!!! AHAJSJSKSDLLDKWKWODKNSWKDOSOOXKKSKAKFUCCKKCKCKCKCK!!! 

I forgot to delete the pictures I took of myself in sexy, lacy lingerie from my dad's camera. 

Levi bursted out laughing as if he was high on marijuana, calling me a dumb fucker. And I, who was admittedly the biggest fail of all time, was prepared to face yet another punishment from my parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMAO if anyone's still reading this awful piece of writing I salute you.  
> I was just digging through the whole mountain of crap in my old phone and I found some more chapters I wrote quite a while ago. I'm literally cringing at how mortifying this story is...
> 
> I feel like I have completely lost my sense of humor (not like I had any to begin with) since I haven't written comedy in a while, RIP.


End file.
